I didn’t think I was going to lose you so soon. I miss you every second of every day. You were my best friend, and nothing prepared me for the day of your passing. I have never felt so much pain in my life. My heart is truly broken, and I feared that.
I waited to write about my grief. I waited to write about my best friend. About my pet. Because losing a pet is just as hard as losing a person. Especially if you have never lost someone close, like me…

 I watched you grow up from a lil’ pup developing that spunk/ my way or the highway-attitude/ fearless/ never ending explorer/ crazy/ energetic dog. I watched you follow me around when you were a puppy. 

Everywhere I’d go, I would look down and there you’d be. You loved me unconditionally, and I will always love you for that. You lit up every corner of my life. We grew up together, and I wish I could  have grown old with you. The bond between us was unbreakable, and I can never forget you my sweet dog. 

You had the sweetest soul, and nothing makes me happier than to see how many hearts you’ve touched. I was overwhelmed by all the love friends and family had for you, boo boo’s. And all the memories they shared about you. You are truly a beautiful soul. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. 

I write to say thank you. Thank you for waiting because I know how sick you were and being away from you hurt so much. But I knew how much you hated it at my apartment. And so the best thing for you was to be home. Because that will always be your home. The home you always knew. The place you and I grew up in. 

So I thank you for waiting.

Because I know your tired heart was beating slower and slower. But you waited. When I came to you, you wagged your tail and I cried because you were still here. I cried because deep down I knew my Tazzy was still there even when your old age made you quieter. Your wagging made me think of you before you got sick, and the flood of memories of your energetic self came through. I cried because I prayed to the Heavens that they would give me one last chance to see you. Your whitened face, smaller body, and smoggy eyes. I cried because I knew it was time. As if you were telling me that seeing me was all you needed, because you were ready to go. But seeing you one more time before letting you go, was the hardest thing I have ever done. 
After your passing, there was a constant struggle of whether I wanted to come back home. I knew coming home would mean that I wouldn’t see you. It would mean that you wouldn’t greet me anymore.

Coming home would mean that I would no longer have you to come home to. Coming home would mean, seeing your empty bed and your favorite blankets. 

Coming home would mean that every morning, I would no longer hear your scratches at my bedroom door. Because I know how important it was for you to curl up next to me in bed. It would mean that I would not hear the ticking of your paws on the hard wood floors. It would mean that I would not get to tuck you in at night. Because I know how much you loved being tucked in with warm blankets fresh out the dryer. It would mean no longer being by my side when I look down at my feet. 

Coming home would mean not feeling you nudge my leg with your nose. Because I know you loved the attention, and I know you loved being stroked. It would mean that you will no longer be there to rest your head on my leg when I’d lounge on the couch. 

Coming home would mean no longer caring for you. No more warm baths, no more beach or park trips. No more running outside as fast as we could go. No more curling up to me on my lap. No more hunting for crows or mice and bringing them to me. As you look up at me with such a proud look. No more barking at strangers. No more seeing your bat ears with one up and one flopping down. No more photo shoots of you. You were always so photogenic and handsome. No more Halloween costumes, or sweaters. 

Coming home would mean not seeing you prance around outside and stopping to sniff the air. No more stealing my food or my dads Subway sandwiches when he would take you to work. Or Joshua’s tacos, or my little sister’s Pb&J. No more sneaking you into my bedroom in the middle of the night. Because having you by my side was everything to me. No more poking me with your whiskers when I wouldn’t pay attention to you. The way you would rest your head on my leg and looked up at me with all the love in your eyes. No more of your loud barks and howls when the tsunami test would go off. No more comforting you on 4th of July. Because fireworks are the worst. No more kisses and tell you that “you’re a good boy”. Because I know deep down you knew how much love I have for you. 

Being home would mean that I would miss every little thing about you. 

I’ve never lost anyone close to me in my life…Tazzy, you will forever be my baby boy. And I will never forget your spunk, your kind and gentle heart. You left this world with so much love, and endless kisses. I was never prepared to let you go and I don’t know how I will walk this Earth without you by my side. I love you ❤️ I’m so fortunate that I got to be in YOUR life forever. Those 12 years with you was everything to me. Rest in love my boo boo’s. I hope you are happy in doggy heaven. I will miss you forever. 😞Rest in love, Tazzy. 14 Jan, 2004- 26 Nov, 2016