Everyday I will look up at the sky and think of you.
I think I’ll miss you forever.
Like the stars miss the sun
in the morning sky
Baby M: Some days I just break. My mind wonders off into the clear night sky and I wonder if you see me.
Just a month after turning 21 in 2014, I thought I was unstoppable. I carried the world in my hands and I was ready to leap from one adventure to the next. In high school, I had every little detail of my life planned. To the age I would finish school, to the age I would marry and bear children. All the way to the age when I would have my career in full swing and where I wanted to live and settle down with.
Clearly, I thought there was this thing called a “perfect life”. Fast forward back to 2014 and I am sitting at a bar with my childhood best friend, her bf and my bf. I drank my life away. I took shot after shot. I wanted to let go of that “perfect” detailed life because I knew in my life, I was not where i wanted to be. But I was finally okay with it.
I fell in love with being care-free and I decided to let go of my BS timeline of a life. No one really knows every small detail of their future anyway. I decided not to rush. I knew I wasn’t going to finish school at 21 and I knew that I was not going to have my career set at that age either.
I did not have much to focus on besides school and my bf and of course, the nagging of my parents. Constantly telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing.
Two months after I turned 21, my bf and I decided to visit our old college friends at the first University we attended and met at. We missed them terribly and we decided to spend Halloween there. Just a few days before we left on our 6 hr trip, I got sick. In my head I told myself “Of course you would get sick before leaving on this trip. Your luck sucks”. I was annoyed but determined to go because we planned out our costumes (Mickey and Minnie Mouse). I had also teamed up to do a Dia De Los Muertos 5K run, and it would be my first time back where I could actually go into bars with them. (Somehow I seem to always be the youngest out of my circle of friends)
I remember stopping to eat after we left my bf’s moms house and having really bad heartburn. Note* I had no idea what heartburn felt like because never in my life have I experienced such pain. I googled my symptoms and I guessed correctly.
I thought it was weird that I was experiencing heartburn. Later on I experienced tummy aches and saw blood when I peed. I knew I was not on my period so I was concerned. Knowing me, of course I had to google my symptoms. I sat in my dorm room searching up how I felt and everything kept circling up to one word “pregnancy”.
As soon as my bf came home from work, I told him that I needed to take a test ASAP. He was excited, but I think he saw my concerned and scared as shit face, that he hid some of his excitement.
I told myself that everything would be okay. That a child is a blessing and prayed my parents would have mercy on my soul. Looking back now, I have always hated the fact that I was only scared because my parents would look down on me. I was 21. 21!! WHY should it matter that I was pregnant. oh, wait. I think it was because of my super detailed timeline of a future where I completely skipped the part about me graduating and actually having a career…
Everything was such a blur after that night when the pee stick came back with a plus sign. Everything moved so fast. It felt like I was watching myself from the outside looking in. Rather than being present with the moments that happened.
Crazy emotions was all that we felt. We were happy, excited, scared and shocked. At the time, we were both living in the dorms, we both had part time jobs and were full time students. We were not necessarily fit to bring a life into this world, but I knew we would be okay. We were happy.
I made an appointment the very next day at the campus health center. The nurse confirmed I was only 5 weeks along. The very next day we left for our trip and continued to do what we wanted (minus the drinking, of course). I even ran the 5K. Till this day, I have always wondered what would have been if maybe I didn’t run it being so early in the pregnancy…
We came back and I made an appointment for an OBGYN. That weekend I had to break the news to my parents. Of course, my mom would know first. I let my mom tell my dad for me. They were obviously mad and my mom kept telling me I had to marry him. Maybe she was scared that he was going to leave me.
Soon after, my life fell into a million pieces. For some reason I began to bleed. Mostly spot bleeding, but then it became heavier. I had no idea what was happening. I went to the campus nurse who first examined me and she told me nothing was wrong. It was normal. But something inside me knew that something was horribly wrong.
All throughout the day, my cramps were getting worse and worse. I thought to myself “the baby must be growing”. “It’s just changes my body is going through, nothing to worry about”. Later that night, it did not get any better. I was pacing back and forth, my insides killing me and I remember doing anything to get rid of the pain. Google said eating a banana could help the cramps. So there I was in my dorm room with my bf pacing back and forth trying to concentrate on the TV while eating my banana. I NEEDED to think about anything but the pain.
I tried to sleep. But every position felt uncomfortable. I remember waking up in the middle of the night rushing to the bathroom. I cried. I needed to go. My bf was going to call 911. But no, how embarrassing. Hauling out a pregnant girl from the dorm rooms.
So I walked.I walked all the way across the campus to the car because I did not want my bf to leave my side for a second. I also wanted the fresh air. It was 3 am and the air was so crisp. So Fall. I wanted to lay on the ground and look at the stars. Just me and the stars because pain was all I knew.
I was admitted to the ER. They made me wear a nightgown and I had IV’s in me. Something was happening to me and I didn’t want to know.They gave me two small white pills and then the pain eased. My bf sitting in a chair next to me was so alert. But I could see his scared eyes, and it made me want to melt in his arms. My eyes were getting droopy from the drugs. My head was spinning but I felt better. I needed sleep, but I too was scared.
A nurse checked in on me. A doctor came in. Then the ultrasound technician. He looked inside me and we saw a small white dot in my ovary. I was relieved. The baby was there. To take good care of myself was to take good care of the baby. I told myself that so many times before the doctor came in and explained that there was no heartbeat. They could not find one but perhaps because the heart was not developed yet. In a week they would know for certain.
We left the ER early in the morning. I cried. I could not eat. But I needed to. For the baby. I had no words for what I was feeling. I was mad at myself. Mad at my body for not bearing this child. My first child. I knew what was going on. I just didn’t want it to be true. I had hope.
I tried eating the food my bf made me. I just sat there crying. Eating and crying. Crying was all I knew and my parents took me back home. My mom wanted to be close to me. To care for her first born child who was heartbroken.
I knew what a miscarriage was. I remember hearing stories from aunties and moms. I just never knew it would be me. I never knew how quickly a woman’s body can create such a beautiful home for another soul. A safe and healthy space for the baby. And how quickly a woman’s body can flush out the safe home. How quickly it will bleed until the placenta passes. And then the fetus.
I remember sitting in my bedroom. Running back and forth from my bed to the toilet. The pain. The cramps. The blood. The way my contractions were hitting me. Like the way the ocean can be cruel. The crashing of the waves on the beach and then slowly leaving the shoreline.
I could not fight my body. She had a mind of its own. She did not want me to house my baby. The prenatal vitamins were all I had left. I knew I was miscarrying before anybody could tell me. So I decided to fight. I wanted the bleeding to stop. I wanted the baby to be there. I told myself “If I continue to take these vitamins, maybe it will make the baby stronger”. “Maybe it will not leave me”. I prayed. I fought the only way I knew how.
After a week of pain, I went back to the doctor. They needed to make sure that my body cleared everything out. Placenta, baby and all. I did not dare look at the screen. I stared at my feet. My mismatched socks. I had to continue like nothing happened. As if those two weeks did not change my life.
To this day, I don’t understand what happened. To this day, I still don’t understand why some of us miscarry. Why some of us don’t get a baby. To this day, I can’t believe that 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage. It’s a high number with no answers.
It just leaves women heartbroken. It leaves us with questions. How do we mourn when the child is not physically in our arms? How should we feel? Do we forget and keep it hush hush? Or do we come out and tell our stories?
We are mommies to Angel’s. No matter how far along the pregnancy was. There was a small life in me and I fell in love the moment I knew. Baby M, your spirit will live on forever. Until I see you again ❤️
*A huge thank you to the mommy group who helped me get through my loss. Having the support of other Angel mommy’s was everything to me. We supported each other through letters and cards. We kept our babies memory alive. I will never forget that.